Bramblewick Neighbourhood Surveillance: Log 31
19-25 May 25 - The truth
Mon 19 May, 07:11
PC Meanly just punched me so hard in the mouth I swallowed one of my teeth.
Tues 20 May, 07:40
Kyle at Number 23 just kicked me so hard in the shin I threw up.
Weds 21 May, 07:34
PC Meanly just elbowed me so hard in the head my eyebrow fell off.
Thurs 22 May, 07:47
Kyle at Number 23 just flicked my earlobe so hard I wet my pants.
Fri 23 May, 11:23
This morning I got a Substack direct message from my wife:
“Looks like you’ve had a few new subscribers this week. Well done! Maybe you should update them as to what’s been going on over the last few weeks in bullet point form, because the last four updates have been somewhat chaotic for new readers. Oh, and just so you know, the search for you is stepping up a notch. Much love! x”
Sorry gang, how embarrassing! You must be very confused. Never one to disappoint my beloved Bella, here we go:
6 weeks ago Karl at Number 22 killed my dog Noah’s Bark.
5 weeks ago I pranked Karl at Number 22 by pretending to be my dog’s ghost.
4 weeks ago Karl at Number 22 egged my house, so I egged his house and then broke into his house, when he revealed that Kyle, who recently moved into Number 23, killed my dog (and egged my house).
3 weeks ago I used binoculars to watch Kyle at Number 23 non stop for seven days, then he tomatoed my house.
2 weeks ago I went to PC Meanly’s house to report Kyle at Number 23 for harassing me, but Meanly was not in, so I slept on his driveway waiting for him to return but then I was kidnapped by Kyle at Number 23.
Last week I was detained by Kyle at Number 23 in an unknown location. He deleted all my apps except Substack (helpfully!) and we sort of bonded. At the end of the week, PC Meanly returned and it turns out he is Kyle at Number 23’s dad.
This week the two of them have been beating me up and I don’t quite know why.
Does that all make sense? Good!
Oh, and while I’m still tied up and tortured, Mavis (hi Mavis!) at Number 3 will be running Saturday’s ‘Knit and Knatter’ in the community centre. Drop one, curl one for me, ladies!
Sat 24 May, 22:11
PC Meanly was out all day today. Kyle at Number 23 was in charge of watching me and decided not to hurt me, which was nice. But he did get incredibly drunk, sat on my lap, and cried about wanting all of this to be over. I reassured him that it will be over soon and he just needs to hang in there. He kissed my forehead and said he thinks I’m his best friend. Poor lad. When I asked him why his dad was doing this to me, we heard the front door open downstairs, and he pushed me to the ground and ran out the room.
I’m starting to miss my wife and son.
Sun 25 May, 15:21
Can’t talk long, PC Meanly has a knife to my throat, but he’s asked me to relay the below message to you all:
“Right then, you stupid Bramblewick bastards, whoever contacted Scotland Yard and got my garage surrounded and my son Kyle arrested, you will pay for such treachery. All I did was get the snooty, nosy, lanky, ugly, curly, stupid Carl from Number 2 kidnapped and tortured for a couple of weeks. I don’t deserve punishment, I deserve RESPECT. You all hate the guy as much as I do. All he does is watch us and pepper our phones and emails with endless messages about our own bloody lives. I cannot STAND his Bramblewick Neighbourhood Surveillance blog and I KNOW YOU CAN’T EITHER AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH”
Must go, the garage door is currently being knocked down.
(Mavis - don’t forget to send piccies of the Knit and Knatter!)